The Story I did not want to tell (the gift I did not want)

Not long after my husband died, I received an invitation to join a widow's group. Anna is a sweet lady with the most compassionate heart. After she lost her husband, she felt a tug in her heart from God that said to her "the widows suffer in silence". She then started a group called the Widows Heart. The first few times I was invited, I didn't go.

At the time I was in the grace bubble. I felt like I was going to just go on in the peace of having no regrets and the joy of knowing our ministry did not end when my husband passed. I didn't need a group of women who were grieving and sad and lonely. My life was full and honestly, I really wasn't a widow, my husband just didn't live here anymore. He was in Heaven, and I was here but I was still his wife.

The Lord kept me on Anna's heart, and she ended up asking me to come speak to her group. I accepted the invitation, but I told my daughter. "I don't want this to be my ministry, it is not what I am called to do". I didn't care to go share an encouraging word to these ladies, but I was sure this was not what I wanted to be part of.

It wasn't long before I had spoken for their group several times and every time I did, I felt a little more encouraged myself as I encouraged them. I really had a talk with God about what he was doing. It was at this point God spoke to my heart and said, "I gave you the gift of joy, who do you think needs that if not the grieving?"

I don't know what I thought my ministry was going to look like going forward, but this was not it. But what if it was? Hadn't I always told people that God would make a message out of our mess? A testimony out of your test? A bridge out of your brokenness? What did I think that my ministry was going to be one of joy without addressing he sorrow? One of victory without talking about the battles?

He also called me into a reality check with where I was in my life, "it's not that you don't want to be part of this group, you don't want to be a widow". It was true. I felt like owning that would sever one more tie to my husband.

It became evident that I needed to work out a few things between my heart and my calling. Between my understanding and Gods.  During this time to the brain fog seemed like it was only getting worse, and my body was having lots of issues from the stress I had been under, the weight I had gained and the lack of exercise I had been getting.

During this time, I took a couple vacation trips with family, and I was in so much pain and so foggy in my brain that it was a real struggle to enjoy any of it. I got really depressed or so I thought.

I got invited to a grief share group at a local church. They wanted me to come help minister to others at the end of the group session. I wanted to say no. I didn't feel like going. But I was so afraid that depression was going to take me under if I didn't keep moving forward. When I got there the only one who showed up that wasn't part of the ministry team for the Grief Share group was me. I sat through the video on how to handle grief during the holidays. I listened as a couple of the group leaders shared their experiences. And I quickly realized that I was not there to minister to anyone. God had set this up so they could minister to me.

There was so much good advice shared that evening, but the one moment that was life changing to me was when one of the ladies said, "you know sometimes people think they are depressed but it is grief."

It was like a light shined into my soul and I saw the heaviness I was under for what it was. I was grieving. I was grieving. I knew I was feeling the loss of my husband. I missed his laughter and his love of the scripture and his eyes that told me he still thought I was that beautiful 18-year-old he married. But up to this point (one year in) I had been able to count the blessings and be glad he wasn't suffering anymore, and I hadn't realized that lately I hadn't been able to do that. The reality of my loss had set in on me. And the reality that not only had I lost my husband, but I had also lost a lot in my body and soul.

So, what would I do now with this new knowledge? What was I going to do with the fact that I was not immune to grief. I was not immune to weakness in my body. I was now going to have to walk through my grief with my eyes wide open and fight for my heart and my health.

Someone once said the second year of grief is the hardest. That proved true for me. I was trying to take care of myself, and the progress was slow. I started to have flash backs from when Ralph was sick and some of the trauma, we went through that I hadn't had time to process. It seemed now I was going to have to.

I was trying to find my place in a new church, with new people, in my family and even in my home. Nothing felt normal or real or like me. I was preaching some, and the messages seemed good. I was spending time with family, and I was enjoying it. But it was like the minute one good thing was over, there I was with my thoughts and my tiredness and my lostness.

When Ralph had been gone two years, I realized that the first year I grieved as his caregiver. That is why I easily went back to his suffering being over and the good moments we had. The second year I grieved as a wife. I grieved for all we missed those 10 years he was sick. I grieved for all he went through, for all I went through and then I grieved what we would never have. That grief would be the part that stayed with me and would be part of me the rest of my life.

Just after two years had passed Anna called and asked me if I would speak at their Thanksgiving dinner for the Widows Hearts group. I told her I would. It was the day before the meeting, and I had not started notes for a message. I had nothing. It was thanksgiving. It cannot be that hard to find a thanksgiving message. What in the world???

Then God spoke to my heart and told me I was going to teach on grief.

I was floored. It is Thanksgiving. These women don't want to talk about their grief on Thanksgiving. Is their grief there on thanksgiving? Yes, yes, it is. Okay, Lord.

I began to seek and pray for how to teach on grief. There was only one way. I had to visit what I had been through and what I was going through. I had not shared my story. I didn't want to share it. It was mine. So, what did I do? Got online and looked up some grief counseling notes I had used when I worked at the rehab center. It was going to steer clear of using anything personal. I would just use data and facts.

Here is where the gift I didn't want came in. While I was studying these facts about grief and how with affects the body, the mind and the emotions. I could see arrows pointing to everything I had been through the last two years. And I knew I could not teach this without sharing my story.

As I prepared, God was preparing me. And I realized that had he given me this lesson weeks or even days before I would have probably argued myself out of teaching it. Giving it to me last minute gave me no other out. I didn't have time for a plan B so I had to go with it. God set me up.

That day marked a place of great healing for me. As I told my story and shared my feelings about all we had gone through and gave scriptures that helped me and facts about why grief affects us like it does, I was seeing all the healing that God had been doing in me all along.

This was in November of 2024. We are now in March of 2025, and I am healing a little more day by day.

I have changed my eating habits, committed more time to the Lord and being more disciplined with my housework and my writing.

I have made progress. I feel better physically than I have in a long time, and I am thinking clearer and have more good days than bad now.

It is funny how God will use the very things we rebel against to heal us. Or is there a part of us that rebels against these things because we don't really want to be healed? Whatever the reason, I am so thankful that he does not give up. I am thankful for people who will still call and invite you again and again because they have been there. And I am thankful for people who will minister to those who grieve.

I am even thankful today when I get the chance to be one of those people. Because God gave me the gift I never wanted and healed me in ways I could not imagine at the time.

Widows Heart is a ministry located in Inez Ky. Anna Horn has a book about her grief journey and she and her group minister to so many women in our area. It is a gift to all who have the privilege of attending. Facebook