Love me to Life (getting to the root)

Is my clutter making me fat? I don't remember when I first heard this question, but there came a point in my life when I felt the sting as I realized both my weight and my clutter were killing me.

I don't remember a time I wasn't overweight or a time when I didn't have clutter all around me. Things were important to me, food was my comfort. These were learned behaviors that I couldn't seem to unlearn.

The clutter around me was depressing and heavy, this was my excuse to eat for stress relief, which in turn made me lazier and sicker and less able to deal with the clutter. And a cycle was formed. Toss in the middle of this occasionally cleaning binges and diet victories and I was caught in another cycle of momentary wins that were such highs that it was almost better to have that one moment occasionally than to have the satisfaction of daily routine that it took to overcome the clutter and fat for good.

These were the problems I looked at every day. Problems that arose from the same deep hidden issues in my life and each fed the other and I was caught in a cycle that had to be broken if I was going to live

Two definitions to look at as we talk about this.

Problem: A situation regarded as unwelcome, a source of perplexity and distress.

Issue: A vital unsettled matter. Something coming forth from an identifiable source.

Clutter makes your life harder, so it is a problem, an unwelcome situation. Weight makes your life harder, so it is a problem, a source of perplexity and distress. Put your own struggle here. If it shows up in a form that makes your life harder, if it is unwelcome and distressing, it is a problem.

To fix the problem we have tried every suggestion that came our way. But the problem keeps coming back.

Why it keeps showing up is the issue. The vital unsettled matter.

We have spent a lot of time dealing with the problem and watching it return time after time and not really taken time to find the identifiable source the problem is rooted in.

There are many things in our lives that take root and become issues.

Wounds that you may not even remember left scars that won't let life settle into the peace God ordained us to walk in. Places you hid years ago have taken root in your soul and they show up like a weed chopped off at the top of the ground will run underground and come up in another part of your garden. Habits you learned that were coping mechanisms in childhood make issues that show up in adult hood as problems.

Although the place of our wounds and how they got there may be vastly different, and the problems arising from them might show up in different ways, the roots often end up in the same place drawing from the same bitter soil and producing the same fruit.

One of my first breakthroughs for my emotional healing was when I realized that most of my actions/reactions were because of fear.

What is the one thing we all feel when we see things we are familiar with start to change? We feel anxiety or fear. Fear is an emotion given to us to cause us to protect ourselves from danger. So, in anything we perceive as danger fear shakes us a little so we will pay attention and be on guard. Problems arise when this becomes our baseline for every situation in our lives. Any moment of self doubt fear shuts you down. Any moment of perceived rejection fear says run. Any moment of feeling exposed, fear says hide.

This first came into the picture when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden. They realized they were naked and hid themselves from God. A real close second to fear was shame.

They were ashamed of their failure. When God came walking, when he called them out of hiding he asked "Who told you that you were naked?". The accuser, that is who. And his voice still has access to our soul and he still accuses us. "Look what you've done now". "you will never change". "You don't deserve better".

Then pride comes alongside fear and shame

Pride won't let you say that you have an issue. Pride will even make you stop trying to do better because of the many times people have seen you try and fail. Pride feeds you lies comforts you by telling you that you can't help the problems you have because it is just the way you are. And you are fine just the way you are.

And you embrace an identity that is born out of a place of protecting your broken self from being exposed in your less than perfect state.

So, all you have left is to manage the problems that show up from this fractured identity.

We hide the vulnerable scared child in whatever place we have made where he/she feels safe. And a safe place is good until you realize you have built a prison that the only person you can become is one that fits in this safe place.

And the real you. The you that God created you to be is there in a constant turmoil of fighting for a place to break free or accepting a fate she was never intended to live.

In my own personal life, my problems showed up because I was lazy, I was undisciplined and had no follow through when I would start trying to do better, eat better, get organized, stick to a schedule.

And I did start a thousand times.

I knew my weight was a problem. I wanted feel better about myself and I thought the weight was my issue. Nope. It was a symptom. I could diet and get the symptom under control, but the issue was still there, and the weight came back.

The clutter, I felt it was me being disorganized and a mess myself. And it was, but that was a symptom. I could organize with the best of them. As a matter of fact, I loved lists and boxes and sorting and storing. This was the me I wanted to be trying to get out of the prison I had allowed her to be captive in. But the symptoms kept coming back. Organized clutter is still clutter and not letting it go is a symptom of a much deeper issue.

At some point the symptoms show up in ways you can’t handle any longer. Health issues arise; clutter becomes junk and crowds out life. And it all becomes too much. You were able to carry it for a while, manage in spite of it, but now, you can’t anymore. You either have to deal with it or sit down under it and watch life ebb slowly away.

The woman with the issue of blood ( ) had gone to many drs. She spent all she had on remedies of the day and only grew worse. She dressed over her issue but even as she went to drs and tried to stop the flow the life was flowing out of her, and she was going to die.

She heard that Jesus could heal her. So she purposed in her heart to get to him no matter what she had to do.

There was a crowd gathered around him. She had to press through. She had to get to where he was so she could touch him.

Her problem was the law told her she couldn't get there. That was not how it worked.

But faith told her something different . Faith told her if she could just touch him she would be healed.

We all have a crowd to face to get to the place of our healing. We have to face the voices that tell us we can't get there.

On my own journey, I have worked through so many things. Real life situations, words spoken, lines crossed, blurred perception, child understanding creating a narrative that would protect me. And as all those things became clearer, the root began to show.

And the root was fear. And fear had demanded that I create a safe place.

We hide the vulnerable scared child in whatever place we have made where he/she feels safe. And a safe place is good until you realize you have built a place that will only allow the identity you have assumed. You can function in the boundaries you have made but anything past that is too scary.

And the real you. The you that God created you to be is there fighting for a way to break free.

And the fight starts to feel like self-condemnation and shame, so you avoid it at all costs.

You continue to do things to manage. And you have some successes along the way. Temporary cleaning binges and weight loss victories. Then there comes a new problem on the scene. The addiction to the adrenaline of overcoming huge obstacles, vs the enjoyment of everyday discipline that keeps life in order.

I lied to myself on a daily basis. I cried a lot until I stopped crying and that was worse. I tried but even my trying was limited to what I could do to correct my actions. My trying did not address the issues. My victories did not heal the deeper wounds. My long-time habits did not die because I stuck to a weight loss program for 30 days.

The first thing I had to do when I realized there was some deep healing that had to happen for me was to deal with the self-condemnation I had lived under for so long. I had to forgive myself for not doing better, because in truth I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And I never gave up. I had to get to the place where I could thank myself for showing up even when it was hard and for never quitting.

The thing helped me do this was the realization that you cannot know what you don’t know until you know it.

You cannot learn what you have not learned until you learn it.

You cannot fight an enemy you do not know exists.

You can cut a thorny bush off at the top of the ground a hundred times and it will come back as long as there is a root. But if you don't know there is a root, you will cut the top off again and again or stop trying and let it take over your garden.

Today all you need to know is there is a root issue that you must get to. You must get to the root. and it will be work. it will be messy. you will hurt and you will get rid of things that you held on to for all kinds of reasons.

But as you clear the clutter and dig out the root, you will open the prison doors to the you that has been years too long trying to get your attention.

Can I tell you that you are like Dorothy clicking her heels together and finding she had the power all the time.

You have been waiting for help to come when it has been there all the time.

You are the help you need. You can go to the places that need the physician. And you are empowered with the Holy Spirit of God and He will lead you through the process.

I am 64. So, when I say this is a process, I am not kidding. I celebrate my good days. Survive my hard days. Look at my past with compassion and my future with hope and I am releasing weight and clutter. It has taken a lifetime to get me here. Do I still fail some days, yes, I do, but I fail differently now. I make a bad choice, have a bad day but, I do not run and hide. I do not throw myself back into prison over my failure. I love me back to life.

My quest the past 30 years of my life has been for joy. It has been to love me. It has been to serve God with all my heart. Today God got a little bit more of me. My joy got a little fuller.

Today I went to one more place and dug up one more root. One more lie withered up and lost its hold on me.

You have a lifetime ahead of you. David wrote, "Lord teach me to number my days that I may give them to wisdom".

Solomon wrote, get wisdom and with all your wisdom get understanding and it will keep you and be health to you.

Today my prayer for you is that you will start again. And this time it won't be a surface correction that deals with a problem, but you will grab a shovel and some gloves and do the hard work. That you will dig and shake up the ground and tear up some old beliefs and uproot some hurts and bitterness and unforgiveness and that you will be able to release some clutter and lay aside some weight so you can run your race with patience. And in the running have freedom and peace and joy that was meant to be yours all along.

Journey on my friend. You are not alone. You are not losing. You are more than you think you are.